Rambling…

I had an epiphany today.

Chris plays soccer every Sunday in a local league and we almost always go to watch.  We usually show up quite late and I’m often kind of grumpy and tend to drag my feet about the whole thing.

Today, as we were walking up to the bleachers it hit me.  This feels like junior high all over again.  (I went to a jr/sr high school…so I had to deal with a lot of upper classmen as a 7th grader)  It felt like walking up in front of everyone and wondering if people are talking about you and what they are saying.

Here, people don’t try to hide the fact that they’re talking about us.  We stand out a little bit.

A lot.

We are definitely the center of attention for a minute or two (which feels like 20 minutes).  I always hear “Mira!  Son Cuatro?  Puras mujeres!”  (Look!  There are four?  All girls!)  And usually get whatever english words people know—most commonly “Ehy Bayby!”  “Oh miy Gode!”  “Wot is yur naime?”  But I am usually in such a zone that I don’t even look up.  Sometimes I feel so mean but I am often so embarrassed and  just want to be invisible!

Anyway, back to my epiphany….

I realized that I am still somewhat paralized by what I think people think.  Did you get that?  I’m pretty sure what we’re dealing with here is a head case….  I can only speculate what they are thinking.  I don’t even know IF they are thinking anything that has ANYTHING to do with me.  And why on EARTH would I want to spend my time speculating such things??

I see that my hesitancy toward Chris’s soccer games has everything to do with those first few minutes when we are the “talk of the town.”

I actually have to take a few deep breaths and try to remember a few things to get through these moments.

1. People are almost always pointing and talking about my children…the fact that there are four, and they’re all girls…and they’re very white.  Not me.  Well…I am pretty white but that’s beside the point.

2. They’re just curious about who we are and what we are doing in this country.

3. They are not looking at me thinking that my clothes suck or that I have a bad complexion…oh wait—this is a jr. high flash back!!

4. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT EVERYONE THINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the hardest things about living in a foreign country is the standing out.

There’s no rest…no break from being on stage.  I feel like I live in a glass house.  I can’t walk across the street to buy some eggs without being noticed.

Hold on….I think I’m taking us down a different path but maybe I’ll just go with it.

You know what I want more than anything?  I want to go to the grocery store and not be noticed.  Whenever we’re up in the states I take the opportunity to stroll up and down every isle and just soak in my invisibility.  It’s very theraputic.

Here, I have to work up the energy and get myself in the zone just to go to the grocery store.  I have to be ready to answer if we live here and for how long and what we do here and where we are from and if our kids speak spanish and if I like it here and if I ever go back to the states and how often and if our kids go to school here and if I paint my kids’ hair…Every time.  I’m not kidding.

If I’m going wrap up this post sometime this century, I suppose I should come up with my conclusion.

*About the soccer game stage fright— I have to realize that I worry too much about what people think.  I need to be content in who I am in Christ.  Definitely something I’m working through and this was just another example in my life.  It’s nice to know why I’m so anxious about going to his games.

* Hmmm….the living in a glass house thing….not sure there is a solution.  I guess I need to embrace it and thank the Lord that I’m NOT invisible and be grateful for the many opportunities I have to connect with other souls.  How sad would I be if I could go about my life every day and never talk to a stranger.

It would be a nice break for a while.  I’m a little afraid that if I did live in my home country it would be a real struggle for me to break out.  I firmly believe that this life is about relationships.  Our relationship with our Creator and our relationships with other people.

So why am I complaining?  :)

The end.

For now.

My neighbor's little girl and my baby on the back steps.

My neighbor's little girl and my baby on the back steps.

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3 Responses to “Rambling…”

  1. Shay says:

    I’ve really enjoyed your last couple of posts, especially this one! I am also guilty of caring too much about what others think of me instead of just being content (and confident) of who I am in Christ. Thanks for sharing your heart so candidly and helping other people realize that they are not alone!

  2. Tara says:

    I bet the being noticed thing would get a little old over time. Your perspective makes me think about how my students and families must feel living in the US, although they aren’t the only brown people in town, they are often singled out. Thanks for the perspective!

    And you do paint your girls’ hair, right? ;)

  3. Monica says:

    Erin. I love your honesty. So precious to read your sweet spirit. I feel I am getting to know you in a way I never did down at GFM. You are such a blessing to so many. I am inspired by the healthy choices you make for your family and your desire and call to be a wife/mom. I do not feel a call to motherhood for now (if ever) but for sure to being a wife. And being the best I can at that. So thanks for sharing honesty of running a home and running a life…..with the depravity and grace we find it mixed with :)

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